Yesterday it was my turn.
After “surviving” six previous layoffs, my time has finally come for the early company wide email and the 15 minutes zoom call scheduled with HR.
There's a lot of emotions i'm experiencing, but I don’t find myself wanting to pull out the sharp sword of my silver tongue.
I don’t find myself with a fire in my belly that can only be released through flames shooting from the chamber of my mouth, burning everything in sight.
I’m not saying I’m relieved, but i’m not saying I’m not surprised.
I’m not saying I’m excited, but I’m not saying I am scared.
But I will say that it’s easier to have your own heart broken than to feel the broken hearts of others, helpless on how to mend them.
I will say I’ve been limping for a long time, unable to tend to my injuries in hopes to walk again soon.
I will say I have been drawing from a bone dry well for quite some time, yet somehow surprised that I’ve remained thirsty.
I’m not sure what’s next for me. It seems the cold format of resumes don’t give space to my strengths, so let me list some of my strongest “skillsets”:
- Cheering you on with such passion you have no choice but to believe in yourself afterwards.
- Knowing how to treat any person with any title, any tenure, and experience with the same amount of respect, honesty, and trust.
- Bringing the heartbeat into a company and pumping life throughout the being of the organization.
- Inspiring leaders to be just that: a leader rather than a manager. To encourage modeling the behaviors they would want to see in their team members.
- Empowering team members to model the behavior they wish to see in their managers, deserving of leaders.
-Creating and facilitating containers where everyone feels heard, validated, and motivated.
- I know how to advocate for the one on the call who has the best idea but keeps muting themselves.
- I know how to bring soul into what can feel soulless, hopeless. I know how to bring sunshine into the coldest corners.
I don’t know if there is a job out there that’s looking for that skillset. I don’t know if there is a company out there who wants someone like me who’s committed to doing what’s right rather than what’s easy.
But for now, I’m realizing that I’ve never not had a “job” since I was 14 years old. Maybe I’ve put in enough time to give myself a little bit of space to understand what rest really feels like. To slow down enough to watch the cloud of cream billow up in my coffee as I pour it. To answer the question “why do I work?” honestly. To still go on the vacations that are already paid for. To ask for help when I’m ready To accept it when it comes. To see the uncertainty in front of me as a pathway rather than a prison.
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