Happy Transactionversary To Me

Today marks six years of me working at my company.

A relationship that has lasted longer than my marriage (by far) and quite frankly, most other relationships besides friendships.

I accepted this job offer to this company while I was picking my mom up from inpatient hospital. I didn’t negotiate my offer because

1- I was too distracted by the fact there was some sort of good news happening in my life, some sort of light in a season of unrelenting darkness, and

2- something like advocating for a higher salary isn’t exactly on one’s mind when the majority of your thoughts are consumed by whether your mother will try to “finish the job” this time once she gets home.

I started at this company with 6 tattoos

I now have so many I couldn’t tell you the number

I started at this company afraid to have locks and wear chacos

I now have ropes for hair to my butt and chaco tan lines imprinted permanently on my feet.

I started at this company thinking “javascript” was referring to coffee

Now tech leaders come to me asking how to lead their teams.

I have grown up with this company

I have found friends that felt like family

I have pushed myself and have been pushed by others.

I have seen many of those family members leave this company

(Most against their will)

I started at this company as an identifying straight girl

I bought a house while working here

I made a home while working here

I got married while working here

I got divorced while working here

I now am a proud queer woman

And more proud of the free life I am living

This company felt like a foundation when everything else in my life crumbled

Now it’s the company’s turn to crumble

And I feel the need to replace the word “relationship” at the top of this piece

This company is crumbling

Yet the veil has been lifted

And it’s clear to me

This was never a relationship

But a transaction

One where I am but a cell in a spreadsheet

Masked as “family”

So it doesn’t sting so bad

That I forgot today was that anniversary

It doesn’t sting so bad

That all I received was a quick message

From my manager

Before her day was done

I celebrated by taking myself out to dinner

It was overpriced, underwhelming,

and I left the table hungry for more

Maybe this dinner

Is my sign

For what this anniversary

Is really trying to tell me.