21:
18 months of my life planned for, now cut short after five. The mission I went on for the church was the mission that made me see the lie the religion was. My entire life crumbled. Community crumbled. Identity crumbled.
When you’ve lost all of what you know, all of who you were “supposed” to be, of course I lost the will to live.
After coming home after five months instead of 18, people would constantly ask “why did you come home?” - a deeply personal question, and frankly, I don’t think they wanted the honest response of “well I didn’t want to live anymore after realizing the church isn’t real.” No, I don’t think that would have gone over too well with the relief society president still rocking her shoulder pads from 1984.
I had a choice: either I could have taken offense to their deeply personal questions, or I could see them as having the best of intentions from their narrow lens they were looking through. I chose the latter.
So when I was asked again “why did you come home?” I used the tool of humor and said “Oh I just missed you so much!”
28:
“How’s your husband?” The coworker would ask….
How do I respond in a way where I don’t get that reaction of a mix of pity and discomfort?
Do I use humor again of “well jokes on us, turns out I’m gay so that doesn’t really work out, does it?”
Another wave in life where most people don’t know what to do with the truth. Most people don’t know how to respond to “failure”.
Again here we are. Can you hold me? The truth? No? Then you cannot have me. Not fully.
“I hope he is well. I wouldn’t know for sure since we have parted ways, but I hope the best for him and I’m grateful to be living a more authentic life.”
33:
“How’s your business? Can you do it? Do you have clients? Any more? Are you sure you can do it?”
Again and again we find ourselves here….
The questions aren’t criticisms
The intent is generally kind, regardless of the outcome
The consideration is sometimes lacking…
But you my darling,
Find yourself here,
Knowing full well
There is no such thing as failure,
There is only transitions.
Keep going.
Keep trying.
Keep forgiving.
You are responsible for your path,
Not for how others will perceive it.
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