I used to say I missed you

I don’t want to write this, but fuck it here we go…

I used to say I missed you

In my car

Driving on the freeway

Depression so thick I felt suspended in it like running through a pool of jello

I used to say I missed you

In my early 20s

Shit… in all my 20s

As year after year Pluto taunted my sign

First you left

And then best friends stepped out

Jobs I dedicated blood sweat and tears to tossed me to the side

And all I wanted was to be held by my mom

I used to say I missed you but then I came out

And you branded me an abomination

Swayed the rest of the family to do the same

Cast me out of your garden of Eden

And now I don’t say i miss you

instead I replaced you

And she is the mother I always deserved

Now I don’t say I miss you

As you scroll through my windows

Peering in on my stable, happy life from the outside

Now I don’t say I miss you

Would love to

But that ship has sailed

Instead I say you’re missing out

You’re missing out on the person I built

Hardship after hardship

The integrity I developed like a muscle

The empathy I fostered after realizing it was always there just smothered by good Christian “love”

You’re missing out on the way I laughed and the way I love and the way I never stop learning

I used to say I miss you

And now you barely come to mind

Weightless in the giant chasm you used to inhabit in my chest